Dr. Belle Taylor Acupuncture

As she left on her journey of self discovery, it dawned upon her that this one way ticket implied not only that she wasn’t coming home, but that she was also now homeless.

Well, she thought, I’ve always done things in extremes… Loves to pack a big punch.

What are you doing in Nepal? “Ah just moving out of home”. Scared? “Shitting myself!”

Arriving at Kathmandu airport with baggage that’s likened to her body weight, an innocent baby face and an unmistakeable look of confidence attempting to conceal a deep fear of incompetence.

Culture shock!

Gangster street dogs guarding their territory, piles of rubbish lining the gutters and a cow neck deep in a wheelie bin. WTF?

Poverty, struggle, chaos, pain, suffering, difficulty, craving and hunger.

She felt spiritually called to Nepal, something in her heart had guided her here, the pull was undeniable.

“Oh lets go on a wonderful spiritual pilgrimage to find yourself Belle! It will be glorious…”

I’m scared. I’m alone. I’m uncomfortable and just being here, I intensely feel all of the above!

Poverty, struggle, chaos, pain, suffering, difficulty, craving and hunger, but they are all arising from within me.

Was I always this tortured?

Arrival at Kopan monastery was like her birthday all over again.

Flashback!

Being tumultuously pulled out of her mothers womb, slapped on the ass and blinded by the light of reality, “this is your life!”

Then being placed in her mothers warm safe arms. A refuge, a safe haven,

(especially from that jerk who slapped me! Or figuratively from all the jerks who have ever slapped me.)

She felt more alone, innocent and vulnerable than ever before and yet she knew that these feelings had resided within her heart her whole life, now was time for them ALL to come out, let go and step into her big girl shoes (maybe some sexy high heels).

This was the first time in her life she had so much space between herself and everyone and everything that she had ever shared a connection with.

She was not to know at the time but it was within this space that she would find what she was looking for.

Unfortunately at that stage of the game the space was so chocker block, filled with poverty, struggle, chaos, pain, suffering, difficulty, craving and hunger, thats about all she was capable of perceiving.

She came from a wonderful family who loved her and was blessed with an affluent upbringing,

however had never learnt how to love herself and thus spent years trying to please and appease what she thought other people wanted her to be, pretending to be something she wasn’t and never will be.

Filled with resentment, frustration, bitterness and pain, it all had to go.

For only then could she even begin to know who she actually is and whether she is loveable.

She sat her sorry, sad, lonely ass down at the symbolic entrance of heaven, the stairs of the great stupa at Kopan and let the tears roll.

A nun coming and offering a handkerchief, for anyone who knows me, the greatest gift one can bestow!

A big granny hanky! Healing had begun.

I had embarked on a pilgrimage, a search to find something sacred within myself.

Like a surgical operation I had metaphorically taken myself away from all external influences and input of everyone and everything I had ever known, Nepal was my operating theater.

With the awareness of my own feelings I deeply cut myself open, looking to see what lay within.

In the beginning I see blood, puss, scars and stockpiles of old emotions, hurts and resentments I have been hoarding.

The operation hurts! God it hurts so much!

After a few weeks of gentle retreat she was ready for phase 2, a physical bend and stretch style body cleanse…

Sadhana Yoga Retreat Pokhara – 10 days of yoga, meditation and chanting including 4 days fasting topped off with a colon cleanse.

She dreamt of awakening from the deepest sleep in the middle of the night and uncontrollably, forcibly arching her back, her entire body weight on her head and lower body, as something incredibly heavy drew out from her chest and flew away into the night sky, gone forever.

She fell back onto the mattress, with a mammoth sigh of relief, rolled over and slept with complete peace.

The rashes broke out shortly after, an ugly manifestation of ugly emotions that should never have been repressed so long.

She accepted them with understanding.

Remembering that in the past any rash ever experienced had been ashamedly hidden and the entirety of its existence was spent hoping for its disappearance.

Shame shame shame for any negative experience or feeling, hide it away and burry it deep, may it never resurface or if it does, may it be covered up and a performance played to pretend all is well.

Acceptance of my skin break out actually allowed me to discover that it talks to me, displaying on my small and large intestine acupuncture channels, how appropriate as I was in the midst of a gut cleanse.

No it didn’t literally say “Belle, your full of shit” but I understood the wisdom in my bodies physical manifestations.

Post cleanse my eyes are sharp and clear, skin is healing and my body feels lighter than ever.

Next stop mental rehabilitation. Yeah yeah, could have done with that years ago.

I felt ready for Vipassana meditation – 10 days of silence and 10 hours of meditation each day.

Introspection into behavioral habits, addictions, cravings which perpetuate the misery.

Freedom from my mind and the crazy imaginings it spins. purging of some old ideas and world views…

Insight into what I am doing here… Life and Love.

They say that your outward experience of the world is only a reflection of what is happening internally.

I am at the end of my two month pilgrimage in Nepal and the operation I’m proud to say was a success.

For a pilgrim to seek, space is required. You cannot find anything if their is no room to look.

Space was cleared by relieving myself of old emotions and out dated perceptions.

Within this space I can now see that I have always been me. Always been present and conscious.

And yes, I am definitely lovable.

It was all just a bit cloudy because of the rubbish lining the gutters of my mind and the mental and emotional garbage thoughts that I was feeding myself with (I was the neck deep bovine).

And as for the gangster street dogs.

Everywhere I walk I have at least one or two of them following me, weaving through my legs, barking at other people who come too close, or other dogs they don’t trust. I’m the boss!

Why?

Because I am free, clear and empty to just express me! And from time to time I feed them biscuits!

As for Nepal, the people live a challenging life but regardless they are really friendly and oh so helpful!

To the point that if they can’t help you with your query, they will not rest until they find someone who can!

Life is simple and pleasure is sought through the love of family and winning a good barter competition.

Which has become increasingly difficult for them, when it comes to me…

For, I like to win a good barter comp just as much!

Surrounded by such magnificent beauty of lush greenery and majestic snow caped mountains, lakes, rivers and ancient temples.

Connection to spirit through nature and ritual is a way of life, inspiring any intrepid explorer or pilgrim alike to develop a curiosity in the deeper meaning of life.

And rewarding this one specific pilgrim who would like to be excused for discussing herself in third person!

A glimpse of who she really is, what she is capable of, and that cutting the cord allows connection back,

to the one who I was born with, will live the entirety of my life with, and eventually die with.

My all important self.

Finally I am proud to announce that the enormous pack of “baggage” I arrived in Nepal carrying, is now an empty satchel.

I’ve given almost everything away.

That sacred thing I was seeking does not live in the space, it is the space.

Space to feel, space to think, space to just be present in this beautiful moment of existence.

Or who knows… Possibly space to fill with more junk when I hit the USA in a week…

Either way I’ll keep you posted.

Thank you for reading and thus sharing in my journey.

Lots of Love

Belle

XxxX