I sit, and I wait. But there is only peace.
I have experienced something ancient mystics have described for the longest of ages.
The right of passage of a man or woman.
A natural phenomena in life. A beautiful, precious moments of time which shake one to the core of the soul.
Three months ago I arrived in LA from Nepal with a pounding headache and the oncomings of what I thought to be a simple flu. The progression of the next four days I can describe as nothing short of the most terrifying, anxiety ridden and lonely in my life.
The fever progressed so rapidly it consumed my mind and took over control of all my thoughts, ideas, senses, feelings. I had no idea I was so badly afflicted because I had no capacity to think clearly. Waking in sweats with dreams that felt like I was awake and incessant words ranting and raving through my mind.
As I laid awake all night, burning hot, my mind running manically wild telling me I have failed life. I’m too sick to work at my new job. I wont pass the medical. I will be fired. I’m incapable. Who did I think I was to dream big. Life doesn’t have happy endings. I’m so ignorant. Return home. You’ve failed your family after all the support they gave you. Quit. Give up. You can’t do it. Its over.
I was completely overcome with hysteria and fear. I got up to email work about my sickness and in a moment of clarity in explaining the severity to someone else, as opposed to just living the torture internally. I realized I was in danger if I didn’t seek immediate medical assistance.
Emergency ward St. Johns Santa Monica would become a five night stay.
POP QUIZ
Did you know that the human body has more organisms which carry their own DNA, living on and within it than the amount of cells that physiologically form the body.
For example, the average human body has around 10 trillion cells, with 10 times that number of microorganisms living in the gut alone.
Some of these organisms perform tasks that are useful for the human. However, the majority have no KNOW beneficial or harmful effect.
I am to these living organisms, as Earth is to me.
As above, so below.
Drip after drip of antibiotics and anti viral’s course my veins, the seas oceans and rivers of my body swelling with insurmountable overpowering chemicals designed to destroy EVERYTHING in their path. Taking no prisoners, wiping out the good, the bad and the ugly.
It is vital that the organism responsible for my fever is eradicated permanently.
Vital for more reasons than one…
My survival and the survival and existence of a healthy livable home for the organisms which are lucky enough to survive this massacre and their future generations.
The Mayan Prophecy has begun.
It seems December 21st has arrived early within my body.
The Manic ravings of my feverish mind, continue to burn hot and hard, deeply disturbed but comfortingly safe now in my hospital bed which breathes around me.
I am overtaken. Mind, body and spirit. A tumultuous earthquake, tearing at my seams and exposing my fears. The magnanimous crashing waves of doubt, upon doubt, upon doubt. and the molten hot lava which makes my heart race with anxiety as it rushes to consume me and everything in my life, path and plans.
Everything I have ever identified myself with. Everything I ever considered myself to be. Everything I ever dreamt of having. Everything I ever imagined was possible. Everything I believed was real, true, correct, certain.
Shattered. I am nothing. I have nothing.
The dark night of the soul
Awakening.
I was concentrating all my conscious attention on the feeling of destructive antibiotics flowing into the pains of my body. Anything to focus on other than the terrible thoughts of my absent identity.
Suddenly a smile crept up from my heart to the corners of my mouth and infiltrated my
entire being. I radiated joy. True happiness.
Realization of the truth of my situation.
I have being given a new page, a clean slate.
EVERYTHING old and toxic is being eradicated.
I have been blessed with the most wonderful gift of rebirth. As I go into this new chapter of my life, I carry with me nothing of the past. A new way of thought. A new opportunity at the most perfect health. A new perspective of life.
A new understanding of the immense strength, courage and will power that lives within me.
A new faith in the absolute and undying support of my incredible family who encouraged me through and nurtured me forward via skype.
And a new body, which likely has the immunity of a new born at the moment but the benefits of no organisms over populated causing cravings, imbalance and disharmony.
A fresh start!
For one can not change and grow into some one new without losing the connection to the old identity first. There must be a period of nothingness. All those nasty fears in my mind were an old Belle. A scared darling child.
Coming through this experience and witnessing my inner strength, wisdom and courage has COMPLETELY altered my perception of myself.
I’m an effing LEGEND!
This illness was the perfect blessing in disguise. I am thankful for every stinging needle, busted vein, lumber puncture and manic raving sleepless night.
The immense love and pride I feel for myself right now gives me the most empowering and unwavering faith that I am literally capable of ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING I dream of and more!
I have seen the dark night of the soul.
I survived reborn.
Hallelujah!
Dr. Belle Taylor Acupuncture 